Choosing Myself: 5 Times I Realized I Had To Step Back From Toxic People
We want the loving relationships we see on Instagram. We want to be the loving couple on Tik Tok who cooks together or works out together. We want the mother / daughter social media connections where the mom and daughter get along, have each other’s backs and you feel the love shooting from your tiny phone screen. We want the family that we see on Facebook in matching Christmas pajamas. We want the family who rolls up 10 cars deep because you graduated from beauty school or barber college or wherever your heart set for you to go. We want the relationships we see in pictures.
But here’s two questions I asked myself:
Am I holding on to a toxic person in my life because I wanted to post a photo?
Do I want to show a photo to the world when I know the relationship isn’t real?
I’m not really one for posting personal photos on the ‘gram, but I did have to ask myself, if I knew someone was being toxic toward me, What was I holding on for? What were the reasons that I felt the need to stay in communication or in any semblance of a relationship / friendship / familyship with this person? I mean, “Why?”
What is a Toxic Person?
A toxic person is someone whose behavior negatively affects others, often causing harm to their mental, emotional, or even physical well-being. Toxic behaviors can manifest in various ways, and individuals displaying these behaviors may or may not be aware of their impact.
In my case, I know everyone makes mistakes but what makes people toxic to me is their repetitive bad acts and complete disregard and lack of empathy for others.
Here are 5 times I had to step back from toxic people:
The People You Feel Obligated To
Out of a sense of obligation, I stayed connected with family members even when I knew their actions were hurtful to me and other family members as well. It was as if I couldn’t get enough of the emotional abuse.
After reaching a certain age, I started to ask myself, “Why am I making an effort to communicate with such a toxic people?”
“Why am I opening up to only get rejected and hurt over and over again?” I couldn’t think of one reason why I should continue to allow myself to be hurt so I chose myself and stepped back.
2. The People Who Say They Love You But Really Hate You
I grew up thinking that family meant those were the people who loved you. But for some of us, we have family members who don’t love us, but instead criticize us, compete with us, gaslight us and play mind games with us. Some people cannot love you even though they are related to you. It took me a long time to accept that.
When you realize that no matter what you do, there are people who simply don’t have the capacity to love you, you have to decide what to do with that kind of treatment.
To preserve yourself, you gotta consider how you’re being treated.
When I see people sharing stories of how close they are with various members of their families, I wonder to myself, “Is that real?”
Can families really support each other unconditionally?
3. The People Who Like You Until You Disagree With Them
Everyone has varying opinions. So, it has shocked me when I’ve experienced friendship loss that is closely followed by a difference of opinion. As an adult, I’ve had friends who I respected and cherished yet when we disagreed, the friendships were over. The disagreements could have been minor to me and major to them or vice versa.
But, what kind of real friend won’t allow you to express a different opinion than theirs?
As much as it hurt to accept the end of those friendships, I had to ask myself,
“Why would I stay in a friendship when I know the only time the person accepts me is when I agree with them?”
“How much of myself am I gonna have to hide to remain in this friendship?”
“How many times am I gonna have to bite my tongue to be this person’s friend?”
I couldn’t think of one reason. So, I stepped back.
4. The People Who Use Love As A Form Of Control
Dating and building an intimate relationship seems like such an uphill battle these days. I have met men who are kind when you’re doing what they want you to do within the relationship and then become someone different when you disagree. They use love and affection as a form of control.
I had a male friend who would try to hurt me emotionally if we had an argument or disagreement. When he was angry, he would be spiteful and treat me like he didn’t know me, let alone love me.
When things were going good, he’d tell me he loved me five times per day. When I disagreed with him, he’d forget those same three words.
I asked myself, “Why would I be in a relationship with someone who punishes me for having my own opinion?
Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who cannot respect his partner’s mind?” I couldn’t think of one reason. So, that relationship ended.
5. The People Who You Thought Were Your Friends
I had two close friends in college and I was crazy about them. We’d spend hours together talking about life and laughing. When we graduated from college, I was always calling on the holidays, birthdays and just checking on my two friends. If I traveled near where they lived, I would call so we could spend quality time together. Their friendship was always at the top of my mind.
Then, one year, a bird whispered something strange in my ear. The bird said, “Yasmin, you’re the only one who calls. What will happen if you don’t call those two friends?”
I thought that bird had lost its mind. I told that bird, “Of course, if I don’t call, my friends are gonna call me. We are the best of friends.”
Well, when I stopped calling, I stopped hearing from them.
There were no incoming calls on the holidays, no birthday check-ins, no how you beens… None of that. So I said to myself, “Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal. It’s supposed to be a two-way street.” Then, I asked myself, “Why are you continuing to go down this one way street?”
And you know what? I couldn’t think of one reason.
In all five of these instances, I don’t harbor any ill feelings. I’ve released these experiences from my spirit and have opened my heart to people who love me and want to cherish me and who want to be loved and cherished by me.
Tools I Used To Help Process and Heal The Pain
One thing that I realized about all of these instances is that:
No one sees the relationship as you see it.
You could be crazy about someone who isn’t crazy about you. You could be more interested in a relationship than the other person is. All of those feelings are normal. But what I’ve learned for me is: It is important for me to have relationships that are reciprocal and where I feel valued.
And you don’t have to hold on to anything that doesn’t feel good.
So many of us hold on to what used to be instead of welcoming new chapters in our lives.
Family is not just who you are related to, it’s who you choose.
If you find yourself estranged from your blood relatives, be willing to open your heart to people who aren’t related to you. If you find yourself in a toxic intimate relationship, be willing to set that partner free so that you can continue to grow and flourish. If you and your friends are no longer a match, it’s okay. Lives change, paths diverge. Wish them well and continue your journey.
With all of these experiences, I have developed other relationships and other interests and have aligned me with different people. We can move forward with joy in our hearts.
I thank my therapist, Rhonda, who I’ve worked with now for almost two years. She has helped me to vocalize my emotional abuse and the things that have cut me deep. It is how I can write so freely about these experiences. I believe in therapy.
